This just happened

Last week I was minding my own business brushing my teeth when a rat ran out of the bathroom closet.

WHAT. THE FUCK.

We chased it around the bathroom and it ran up into our cabinet under the sink. We told our landlady and she was all, “WHAT.” We share half a house with her so naturally she’d be concerned! The weird thing is that we never saw evidence of rats/mice. At our last place we’d see rats running across the power lines. I’d even seen a rat or 2 running across the balcony rail. And I’d seen some paper chewed in a cabinet we hardly went in. But we never saw rats/mice nor did they get into our food. So, no harm done.

Here? No chewed stuff, no droppings, nothing. Then BAM! RAT! (Rat is such a dirty word. I even called it a mouse because I was in denial. But a 6″ body is pretty much a rat. I did some research and it looks like he was either a Norway rat or a black rat (which may not always be black).)

So I hoped it was a fluke. You know, maybe he was lost.

About a week went by. We even had houseguests and there were no incidents. Not to say we weren’t paranoid. A few days ago, the lid to Dave’s water bottle dropped and rolled across the floor. I saw it out of the corner of my eye and jumped back about 5 feet. Then laughed. Tonight Dave was cleaning the kitchen and got some water on the floor and the movement in the reflection of the water made him freak out, thinking it was a rat.

Then today I went into the bathroom closet to get the laundry out of the hamper and the rat RAN OUT OF THE HAMPER. Oh yes, I screamed. Ike came running in to see what the commotion was about. He chased the rat into the bedroom. At which point I was like, OMG if there’s a rat in my bedroom I’m getting a hotel. (My landlady said later, “And I would have paid for it.”) Ike then chased the rat into my closet. Actually, “chased” is giving him too much credit. He really just curiously and quickly followed it. And I didn’t actually want him to catch it because the last thing I wanted was for Ike to get rabies!

Not knowing what to do, I took my shoes out one by one. Then I came up with the grand master plan of catching him under a plastic salad bowl. So I had the bowl ready for when I got all the shoes/suitcase/purses out of the closet and he had nowhere to hide.

I tried to cover him a few times but those damn rats are agile! But I was like, “I can be patient, mister, you’re not going anywhere.” Except then he jumped up and caught hold of one of my long skirts hanging from the rack and shimmied up it.

Ughhhhhh, gives me goosebumps just thinking about it and I wasn’t even wearing it!

I tried to beat the clothes with a broom, but it was hopeless, so I dropped the clothes to the floor and he ran away. Ike and I chased him but he’s faster and ended up hiding under our tv stand. This whole time, my heart was beating so loud I could hear it clearly. And in chasing him, I’d managed to pull my right quad somehow, maybe jumping over something while wearing heels?

If what you’re picturing is something like Paranormal Activity, but with a rat instead of an evil spirit and an iggy instead of a boyfriend, and funny instead of scary? Then yeah, you’re picturing this right.

But at this point it was 6:30 and I needed to get to an art supply store by 7. I kept all the lights on (so Mr. Rat wouldn’t get comfortable) and left. I couldn’t find my keys so I grabbed Dave’s. While I was at the store, Dave called.

“Where are you?”

“I took Ike and I’m at the art supply store. They close at 7.”

“Oh . . . what the fuck happened here? Your car keys are here . . .”

Long story short, Mr. Rat was still under the TV stand when we got home and Dave got him out and he escaped the same way as last time, through the bathroom cabinet. Dave checked it out and found the hole that was his entrance. Dave and our landlady covered it up with a rag and duct tape (which he’ll probably chew through in about 5 . . . 4 . . . 3) and tomorrow they’ll spray that foam stuff in there.

Will let you know what happens. Ughh.