A few months ago, I went to Walgreen’s on a Friday night to pick up my birth-control prescription just like I do every month. I start my pills on Fridays so that I can get my period on Sunday and have the day to myself to read, take a nap or not change out of my pajamas. HOT, I know. But since getting on The Pill my periods have been shorter and, well, less suicidal and I don’t really need that day to myself anymore. As a teenager, once a month, I wanted to aim a gun at my stomach because that sounded more appealing than those agonizing cramps. But with The Pill (should I really capitalize it?) as long as I ate and got plenty of rest, I was fine (cramps are worse on an empty stomach, DO NOT ask me to explain that- I can’t).
Back to that Friday. No pills. My year-long automated prescription had run out and I needed to go have my annual visit before I could get more pills. Awesome. Because it was Friday, I’d be at least 3 days with without the pills. Thanks, Dr.! Some notice would have been nice. When I called on Monday, they were like, “Oh yeah, sorry we didn’t send you an appointment card, we’ve moved and it’s been really hectic.”
Uh huh.
Well, she no longer takes insurance. So none of that for me, thanks. I asked around and got a few leads on doctors, but would you believe THEY don’t take insurance? Paying $120 for a visit is not that big of a deal, but let’s be real. My clock is starting to tick and my next annual visit wouldn’t just be checking my health and then I’m out the door until the next year- it would potentially be the person delivering my first baby. Kind of a big deal. Especially since I don’t want to pay for THAT out of pocket.
So I needed a new doctor. AND I was considering going off The Pill (dun dun DUN) because- HELLO, I am picky about the chemicals in my shampoo, for crying out loud. I read the ingredients of my freaking HAND SOAP before I buy it. So how was popping crazy hormone pills good for me?
I’ll tell you- they’re helpful because I don’t want to DIE every month. I got my period last Friday (Non-Pill Period #2) and I was miserable. Last month, I spent my hours of agony thinking of a description for Dave about how terrible menstrual cramps are. Here it is:
Okay, so pretend that there’s an invisible grip on . . . not your stomach . . . that’s too surface. Maybe the uterus’ equivalent is the prostate for men. Pretend there’s a grip on your prostate and it’s not tight enough to make you double over in pain, but it’s enough to be unignorable and it doesn’t let go. In fact, it occasionally tightens its grip and THAT’S painful. AND it makes you nauseous. Oh, and you’re involuntarily bleeding out of a very personal orifice.
That’s about what it’s like. And the only thing that soothes the cramps is- for whatever reason- a heating pad. Also not sexy.
This past Friday, I rode my bike to work (not knowing I’d be getting my period) and by lunch I’d thrown up, clocked out and was sleeping under my desk using a pile of T-shirts for a pillow, waiting for Dave to come pick me up.
So apparently I’ve forgotten how bad it is. I used to make sure I had Aleve or Ibuprofen every month and now I’m like, “Hm, we have Vitamin C and Echinacea . . .” As much as I’d like to not need medicine every month, I’d also like to not throw up. I’d like that even more, I’d say.
Anyway, another reason I got off The Pill is because we do eventually want to have kids and I want all those chemicals out of my body first. And I found a midwife practice that takes insurance. And they recommended a book about fertility and how to keep track of ovulations, etc. (My mom said, “Yeah, that’s what we used, too. For all 5 of you.” NOT comforting.) It appeals to me for SO MANY reasons (some which are too graphic even for this post) but mostly because it’s natural. I’d also like to have a natural childbirth. I mean, after all these cramps, that should be no big deal, right?
