FYI, this post will involve a lot of self-indulgent whining. Feel free to skip it.

I recently read a book that I thoroughly enjoyed. Like, reading entire sections aloud to my husband and then shipping it to Dallas for my parents to read. It’s this book:

And I agreed with everything! Yes, “food” with packages that make health claims IS stupid! No, you should not get your “food” from the same place your car gets fuel! No, don’t eat meals at your desk! Yes, I think unnaturally flavored and colored foods are stupid, too!

And I felt good after reading it. I DO eat whole foods. Especially lately. I’ve been combing cookbooks and making recipes from just vegetables and grains (and nuts and oils, etc.). I made green Thai curry, for crying out loud. We’ve been trying to “shop the perimeter” of the store, buying fresh foods and bulk items, as opposed to frozen ravioli and jarred tomato sauce. We always buy whole grain bread with no preservatives.

So yay! I’m healthy! Granted, I could be healthier, but who couldn’t? What’s a little bit of cheese pizza or a truffle oil grilled cheese sandwich when it’s organic cheese and whole grain bread? I mean, seriously?

Also, my parents recently gave us their Vita-Mix. Those things are awesome! I was scared at first, but then Dave bought a few bags of frozen fruit. So I started making Jamba Juice style smoothies: frozen mango, pineapple and peach with vanilla yogurt and rice milk. Then I branched out and my current favorite breakfast is 2 clementines, 1 apple, 1 pear, 1 carrot, 5-10 grapes, 1 tbsp of dry oats, a bit of parsley, a 1/2″ of fresh ginger and a kale leaf. And apple juice so it’s juicy. Blend until smooth! It’s ugly but I love it. How healthy do I feel eating all that for breakfast every morning? VERY.

At this same time, my company released that they were going to do an incentive program. (FYI, I DO want to keep my work and blog separate, even though those taboos are mostly gone now, I don’t want to risk it. Not that I’m being secretive, you can google this stuff.) We already get a discount, my company is just offering a greater discount if you’re in good health. I was excited! I read the negative things on various blogs, how angry people are, how BMIs are racist, how it’s oppression and not an incentive, etc. And yeah, maybe, but on the other hand DISCOUNT!

So today was the biometric screening. I was excited because I knew I was golden in 3 out of the 4 categories. The only one I was worried about was my cholesterol, because my parents have high cholesterol and I’ve never had it tested. My blood pressure ended up being higher than normal, but DUH, 10% of a discount was riding on this! Of course I was stressed!  So I was ready to settle for the 3rd-best category, but then I got my cholesterol results and they were sky-high. (NOTE: My total cholesterol is actually in the “borderline” category according to WebMD and my HDL is awesome and my LDL is in the best category.) Like, I was getting no additional anything. I was one of the ones for whom this would actually be an “incentive” program.

Except . . . incentive to do what, exactly? I’ve been pescatarian for 7 years, with the occasional piece of bacon. I’ve been doing yoga for 10. We’ve switched to rice milk and honestly we don’t eat THAT much cheese or eggs. I think we keep Parm and cheddar in the house, but during the week, unless a recipe calls for it, I pretty much don’t eat eggs or cheese. It’s heredity and I think the last thing my company intended is me to do is get on daily medication.

My coworker texted me tonight and asked, “Well how is it an incentive if you can’t reduce it annually by diet/exercise alone?”

And that’s what’s been bugging me all day. I went to the trusty internet to find ways to lower cholesterol. And it suggests I start doing cardio a few times a week. And that I try to eat healthier, cut back on trans fats. And that I lose weight. And I suggested that the internet go fuck itself.

Because here’s the real issue: I could be healthier. Dave and I went to a vegetarian restaurant in Houston and all of our friends got the veggie platters (sauteed veggies, rice, beans, salad, tofu patties) and me and Dave? We got the vegan chopped “brisket” sandwich and fries. Um, healthy FAIL. We get lazy and cook baked potatoes for dinner loaded with every dairy product imaginable. I just don’t want to be healthier. My diet is just what I want it to be. It’s got its healthy bits and then its got its tasty bits.

And I have started doing yoga again. For 2 weeks my alarm has been going off at 6:15am so I can get up and do yoga. The first week was hard and I only had 2 full “classes” (podcasts) but I at least did some yoga every morning, even if it was only for 10 minutes. Last week started off well, but then I got my period and traded the my yoga mat for a heating pad the remaining mornings. But let’s be real, I haven’t gotten up to the 3 1-hr yoga sessions (and 2 30-minute ones) that I want to do per week.

So let’s say I do that. And that I acquire the magic necessary to cut out the remaining dairy items from my diet. And stop considering P. Terry’s to be a relatively healthy, quick, cheap alternative to cooking dinner. And stop dipping my fries in mayonnaise when we do eat out. And maybe skipping the chips and salsa? Oh god. And running with Ike more than once every month? Anyway, let’s say I do all that and if my cholesterol is still high? Or even if it’s lower but too high to qualify for an additional discount?

Then I have to face 1 of 2 realities that I’m not excited about. 1. My company is wrong and I can’t defend its choices. (This sounds small, but the reason I came to work here 3.5 years ago is because I so wanted to work for a company whose principles I believe in.) And I’m as healthy as I’m gonna be and I’m just going to spend more than someone with “better” biometrics.  2. I’m actually unhealthy and need to make permanent changes in order to have a healthier life.

Guess I’ll be letting you know!